Giving critical feedback? Avoid the top 2 mistakes

When I started managing people, I had no idea how to give good feedback. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that at the time. True, there were clues: a team member telling me she didn’t understand why she was being “criticized,” other team members reacting by getting defensive or withdrawing, and perhaps the biggest clue – the fact that the problems I was giving feedback about continued. But I didn’t know how to read the clues in front of me. When problems persisted I assumed it was because my team members were lacking in some way.

For longer than I care to admit, I gave lousy– sometimes hurtful – feedback. That was never my intention, but it was the reality. And at the end of the day, what mattered was the impact I had on my team – not my intention.

Learning to give proper feedback was humbling and empowering, and it’s one of the things that sparked my passion for management development. I learned the problem wasn’t others – it was me. And I was determined to do better.

Embracing failure

There’s a lot to be said for learning from failure. For many of us, failing at something leads us to question our knowledge, skills, and abilities. Depending on the size of the failure, it may lead us to question who we are. Personal doubt and desire to trust who we are and what we’re capable of is one of the things that motivates people to try again and try harder.

Fortunately, as managers, we have endless opportunities to screw things up and learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, we don’t have endless time or limitless forgiveness from our teams to learn through trial-and-error. That’s why it’s important to know some of the most common management mistakes so that you can avoid them or identify and correct them. Here are two I wish I’d known about when I started managing people.

Mistake #1: using unspoken standards to judge performance

Consider this scenario: You learn that Theo, a Project Manager and one of your direct reports, received an angry email from a partner who said he is unimpressed with the way Theo is managing several aspects of a joint project. Theo didn’t tell you about the email and responded to the partner’s concerns in ways that made things worse. You know this partner well and know the partner can be challenging to work with. You also know what strategies to use to keep the partner satisfied. If Theo had just come to you when he got the email, you could have advised him how to respond. Now you’re wondering whether Theo is hiding other things from you and whether he has the skills to manage challenging partners. When you meet with him later today you’re going to give him feedback about how he handled the situation and explain that he should have asked your advice before responding to the partner. In your opinion that’s best practice and common sense when you’re dealing with a difficult partner – he’s experienced enough to know that.

Where’s the mistake?

The last line of the scenario reveals the common mistake: you never told Theo that when it comes to working with this partner he should tell you about problems before responding. You expected Theo to act in a certain way, but didn’t tell him what that was. You took it for granted that your expectations are “best practice” and “common sense,” and assumed Theo would know that and act accordingly. You also judged him according to your unspoken expectations. He didn’t do what you expected him to do and now you’re questioning whether he’s trustworthy and skilled.

What’s the impact?

First, you completely disempower Theo. How can Theo meet your expectations if he doesn’t know what they are? How can he clarify, question, or modify your expectations if you haven’t discussed them? How can Theo feel confident and secure in his actions if he doesn’t know the standards you’re using to assess him? The answers: he can’t. Theo will likely feel frustrated and demotivated, and may even become overly-dependent on you to avoid being criticized for his actions or decisions.

Second, you potentially derail the focus on the feedback conversation. The purpose of giving feedback is to identify what’s working or what’s not working, and either encourage effective performance or correct ineffective performance. When you give feedback that’s based on unspoken performance standards, several things typically happen:

• The person receiving the feedback says they’re being unfairly criticized because they weren’t told what was expected of them;
• You start debating whether or not the person should have known what was expected because it’s “common sense” or “common practice”;
• You end up talking about the performance expectation, instead of what the person did; and
• You admit that you should have stated the expectation but say the person still needs to do things differently next time. This leaves the person feeling like they were set up to fail.

What should you do?

The answer: set clear performance expectations.

• When someone begins work on a task or project, think about how you are evaluating their performance, and tell them. Think about things like quality, timing, content, communication, accuracy, as well as the attitudes or behaviors you expect them to use while working. You won’t be able to list every expectation, but think about the behaviors that would have the most impact (positively and negatively) and start there.
• Before you give feedback about a person’s actions or performance, ask yourself: “Did I set clear expectations for what they should or should not do? Did I take the time to tell them how I’m evaluating their performance? Do they know what success and failure looks like on this task or project?”
• If the answer to any of the questions above is “no” don’t despair. Acknowledge that you did not make your expectations clear and apologize. State your expectation and explain your rationale, then share your feedback. After you share feedback be open to discussing the choices the individual made and why she made them. By owning your oversight and having a 2-way discussion, you can avoid derailing the focus of the feedback conversation.

Mistake #2: giving subjective feedback

Let’s return to you and Theo. You set up a meeting to talk about what happened between Theo and the partner. During that meeting Theo shares the email in which he replied to the partner’s complaints. You give Theo this feedback about his email:

“I can see you tried to be polite, but your email sounds pretty defensive and I don’t think your apology sounds genuine. I’d like you to revise it to make it less defensive. Send me the revision and we’ll look at it together.”

Where’s the mistake?

The feedback is based on personal opinions. The words “polite, defensive and genuine” are all subjective. Behaviors described as polite by one person could be perceived as rude by another. The same is true for “defensive” and “genuine.” Because this feedback is so subjective, it will likely elicit a confused or defensive response from Theo.

What’s the impact?

There are several possible impacts:

• Instead of discussing Theo’s actions, you end up debating and defending your opinions.
• Theo may feel personally attacked. He may hear, “You’re impolite. You’re defensive. You’re disingenuous.” If Theo feels personally attacked it will be hard for him to engage in a productive discussion.
• Theo is likely to repeat the same mistakes when he revises the email which is frustrating and a waste of time for both of you.

What should you do?

The answer: use the SBI™ Model.

The Center for Creative Leadership developed the Situation-Behavior-Impact Model (SBI™). CCL developed this model as a tool to deliver effective feedback that would “reduce the anxiety of delivering feedback and also reduce the defensiveness of the recipient.” This model is an antidote for our natural tendency to include judgment and opinion in feedback.

Let’s take a closer look at the SBI™ model:

Situation: Describe when and where the behaviors happened

Behavior: Describe what you observed the person say or do

Impact: Describe how the person’s behaviors affected you, others, a project, etc.

If we use the SBI™ model to reframe your feedback for Theo, it could sound like this:

{situation} In the email you wrote to the partner last Wednesday, {behavior} you used the phrases: “despite what you say;” “contrary to what you believe; ” and “whether you believe it or not.” You also apologized by saying, “I’m sorry you feel disrespected.” {impact} The phrases you used and the number of times you used them will likely make the partner feel defensive.  Those are phrases people use when they want to contradict someone, and they create an argumentative tone. In the case of your apology, you apologized for how the partner feels — not for what you did to make the partner feel disrespected. Even if you disagree with the partner, your apology could easily be interpreted as you not taking responsibility for your behavior and its impact.

Good news and bad news

The bad news first: using unspoken standards to judge performance and giving subjective feedback are so common and widespread they’ve become the norm. Folks can be quite far along in their careers before they have a manager who models setting clear expectations and giving objective feedback. (And some folks never have that role model.) This means that these mistakes tend to be passed down from one generation of managers to the next, making the mistakes hard to recognize and therefore hard to correct. In other words, the trap of giving poor feedback is easy to fall into.

Now the good news: it’s not hard to correct these mistakes once you know what you’re doing wrong. Setting clear expectations and using the SBI™ Model to put together objective feedback are practical, easy-to-use strategies. You need to practice them and use them consistently before they become second nature, but the time and effort you invest in learning these new skills will pay off big in terms of performance, staff motivation, and trust.

Personally, I still cringe to think of some of the feedback I gave to people over the years. It amazes me that people I gave such lousy feedback to remain close colleagues, and in some cases close friends. Being able to develop close relationships with my staff despite my early failures as a manager is a testament to their character, and it also speaks to the power of embracing our failures, owning our mistakes and doing better.